Typing Derby Paragraph Megathread


Half-life plot - Words: 74

At the Black Mesa Research Facility, physicist Gordon Freeman is involved an experiment that accidentally opens a portal to another dimension, Xen. Fending off hostile aliens and US Marines sent to cover up the incident, he helps the scientists launching a satellite rocket and travels through a portal to Xen, where he destroys the Nihilanth, an alien entity. He is forced into a contract by the mysterious G-Man, who has been watching his progress.



Also 74 words

It echoes in my mind day after day. “Follow the damn train, CJ!” It’s all I ever hear anymore. You might be able to gather at this point that no, I did not follow the damn train. It was the worst decision of my life, and I wholeheartedly admit that. If I could turn back time and follow that damned train would I? Yeah, I would. I would follow that train all the way.



Good evening, London. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of the everyday routine, the security of the familiar, the tranquility of repetition. I enjoy them as much as any bloke. But in the spirit of commemoration - whereby those important events of the past, usually associated with someone’s death or the end of some awful bloody struggle, are celebrated with a nice holiday - I thought we could mark this November the fifth, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.

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In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galatica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryhal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects. First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words Don’t Panic inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

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Have you noticed an acceleration of strangeness In your life as of late? Perhaps a series of intense or extraordinary events, which, as of now, seem unconnected, with the exception of each being separately bizarre? Perhaps every day before now has, for the most part, been humdrum and inane, your life a mundane, unvarying slog through unfulfilling jobs, shallow depression, and boring, boring sex? Well and then suddenly, today, everything changed, and your life became a swirl of interesting activity?

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You’re walking in the woods, there’s no one around and your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye you spot him: Shia LaBeouf. He’s following you, about 30 feet back. He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint, he’s gaining on you. You’re looking for your car but you’re all turned around. He’s almost upon you now and you can see there’s blood on his face. My God, there’s blood everywhere! Running for your life from Shia LaBeouf. He’s brandashing a knife, it’s Shia LaBeouf. Lurking in the shadows, Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf. Now it’s dark and you seem to have lost him, but you’re hopelessly lost yourself. You creep silently through the underbush.



No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Earth with envious eyes. And slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us. Ogilvy, the astronomer, assured me we were in no danger. He was convinced there could be no living thing on that remote, forbidding planet.



Hello, my name is Shinya Takahashi, and as always, we’ll be taking this Nintendo Direct journey together. Just now, you got a first look at a new game. I’m pleased to confirm that the crazy sports action of Mario Super Sluggers is in production for the Nintendo Switch. There’s plenty more to see and talk about with the game, but that will have to wait for now. Next, let’s go over some quick headlines for the Nintendo 3DS. Please, take a look.

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So guys, we did it, we reached a quarter of a million subscribers, 250,000 subscribers and still growing the fact that we’ve reached this number in such a short amount of time is just phenomenal, I’m-I’m just amazed. Thank you all so much for supporting this channel and helping it grow. I-I love you guys… You guys are just awesome.



When the house is warm and the food is hot,
The Guinea pig cries, “Forget me not.”
Alas, some people may clean their own,
Only to forget a Guinea Pig’s home.
Hungry and cold, a pig feels no love.
Thus breeds contempt for masters above.
Expecting to play after many a night,
Who is surprised by the guinea pig bite?
Uncleaned, unloved, a pig’s life means naught,
Like a child’s plaything, it is simply forgot.
But warnings to all who turn a deaf ear,
Let the curse of the guinea always bring fear.



John Freeman (who was Gordon Freeman’s brother) was one day in an office, typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and asked him for help, so he went.
John Freeman got his computer shut down and went on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people clothes because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycle and said: “It is time for me to live up to my family name and face Full Life Consequences!”, so he had to go.



But I already did that.



My name is Yoshikage Kira. I’m 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don’t smoke, but I occasionally drink. I’m in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning.

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In the current, digitized world, trivial information is accumulating every second, preserved in all its triteness. Never fading, always accessible. Rumors about petty issues, misinterpretations, slander. All this junk data preserved in an unfiltered state, growing at an alarming rate. It will only slow down social progress, reduce the rate of evolution. What we propose to do is not to control content, but to create context. The digital society furthers human flaws and selectively rewards the development of convenient half-truths. Just look at the strange juxtapositions of morality around you. Billions spent on new weapons in order to humanely murder other humans. Rights of criminals are given more respect than the privacy of their victims.

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Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Avatar, master of all four elements, could stop them, but when the world needed him most, he vanished. A hundred years passed and my brother and I discovered the new Avatar, an airbender named Aang, and although his airbending skills are great, he has a lot to learn before he’s ready to save anyone. But I believe Aang can save the world.



You know what I’ve never understood? Why people type with two fingers. Like, you spend most of the first half of your schooling being taught how to use the home row keys, and then people just stop! Using two fingers is only twenty percent of the normal amount of fingers you’re supposed to use, and so people are typing at twenty percent as fast as they could be! What if they, say, enter a typing derby in a videogame’s boardwalk, then what? It just seems silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a paragraph.

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Waluigi is the ultimate example of the individual shaped by the signifier. Waluigi is a man seen only in mirror images; lost in a hall of mirrors he is a reflection of a reflection of a reflection. You start with Mario – the wholesome all Italian plumbing superman, you reflect him to create Luigi – the same thing but slightly less. You invert Mario to create Wario – Mario turned septic and libertarian – then you reflect the inversion in the reflection: you create a being who can only exist in reference to others. Waluigi is the true nowhere man, without the other characters he reflects, inverts and parodies he has no reason to exist.



You ever notice how there’s so many Martians and Wokings showing up in this typing game? Way too many if you ask me! Now, here’s what I think is happening; the developers of this typing video game are actually Martians, and they’re planning to take over the world! They’ve told us our plan and we didn’t even notice! First, they’re gonna invade the Earth from the secret 10th planet Woking, then they’re gonna put quotations in the middle of the roads so we can’t pass through em’! Then, they’re gonna mind control us and make us write paragraphs for them all day long, but I just wanna press space in a casino all day long! You can’t fool me, Martians!



Good morning! said Bilbo, and he meant it. The sun was shining, and the grass was very green. But Gandalf looked at him from under long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat. What do you mean? He said. Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not, or that it is a morning to be good on?

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Rise and shine, Mister Freeman. Rise and… shine. Not that I… wish to imply you have been sleeping on the job; No one is more deserving of a rest… and all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until… well, let’s just say your hour has come again.
The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. So, wake up, Mister Freeman. Wake up and… smell the ashes…